First time - Lifehouse

There's this thing about you that makes people go...

"How can I stand here and not be moved by you? 
Would you tell me, how could it be... any better than this?"

But you already know that. :)

We started chatting on Whatsapp on 16 Jun and maybe on Bumble just a day before that. I can still see our Bumble messages... They were good and nice and pleasant and fun. 

According to you, "men who run after women with no indication of her being into them is the reason misogyny exists." So maybe you would feel like I am running after you now and hate on me - Roles reversed. I know you blue ticked my previous messages.... so hey, you really are ghosting me now. 

I apologize for causing a scene. 
For being irrational(under the influence of alcohol), 

For being scary,
For ruining a good thing we had,
For causing you hurt - physically and emotionally.  
I can only imagine putting myself in your shoes.
After Queen's Head and telling me thank you for everything - until hitting the club. 
And having these mean things done to you, my head was done it by the alcohol and emotions, I hope you can forgive me. 
Maybe to you, it was already a done deal with me after you delivered what you said at Queen's Head and you have long moved on. 
How quickly things can turn around. 


I am not able to reverse my feelings so quickly. Pardon me. 
I trusted and believed in things you said to me initially. 
I don't just feel for someone and move on quickly.  
I wasn't ready for what you delivered at Queen's Head. 
And I was scared of myself, after I realised what a scene I had caused at your place.   

Oh, what a scene it was to you. 
Alcohol and emotions had a part to play in it. #justsaying

The last guy who said he loved me, didn't cater to my emotional needs. 

He was defensive, always shouting and be offended that I would even ask for anything more. 

I was a 25-year old when I fell in love with him - quite sure all that he did was to abuse me and conditioned me to be his plaything. He was 10 years older than me. 
I was naive and believed in happily-ever- after. Back then, he was my Prince Charming. 

He took what I have to offer - feelings, care and love and never gave anything emotional back - this went on for years (2009 - 2013), (2015-2016). 
Physical love and companionship. 
I was weak and conditioned. 

I've had boyfriends before, it was never that way. 
Yet I stayed somehow. 

I have been so perfectly trained to not show my emotional side through the years from my previous relationship with Mark. 
Why should I show to anyone my vulnerabilities? Why would anyone care? 

If I just shut out what I really want, it would be okay.
No shouting, no drama. 

I do have shame in my relationship with Mark - It was like a shadowy love affair - my emotional needs and wants were always secondary but we stayed like this for years.

I am a strong person yet I stayed through that emotional abuse.
I thought it was love. It left me pretty confused most of the time. 
I am not naive, I tried many times to leave - but it has something to do with the conditioning and making me feel somehow that I needed him. 
Everytime I left, I came back or he pulled me back.  

I met his parents, his family, and friends but not as his girlfriend or partner - I was just Cecilia.  

He never showed me his phone, it was always locked and he was always hiding it away.  

He was always chatting on the phone with his female colleagues (married/single - it doesn't matter to a sociopath), even late into the wee night before I got into the picture pre-2009, after me in 2016. 
Some of these women are married with a husband and with children.
He would say things like... "the husbands have neglected them and they just want some attention". 
He probably also spoke to them after he got off the phone with me during the times we were together too.
We talked almost everyday. We talked alot, about everything and nothing. 

He also put up a photo of his ex-gf (THE MARRIED ONE whom he had an office affair with) as his phone wallpaper - on and off, and even when we were on holiday in Phuket in 2016 during one of his work conferences) and I could see it clearly- that's the extend of how messed up it was. 
But there was love between us. 
Perhaps the above reflects how messed up of a situation it was... and maybe you could imagine how insecure that situation made me feel. 
Like it didn't matter if the lady was married or not etc. 
Nothing held him back... no holds barred.  
I would have been more sure - if he had just openly introduced me to people as his girlfriend or partner... you know what I mean? 
There was alot of grey area during that phase of my life. 
More grey than I was ready to handle. 

I have been on my healing journey and I know what I am worth and what I deserve.

He contacted me again recently, whilst I was in CGK.

He texted me a day before his birthday - about a quote from a TV show. 

And all he wanted, was probably to entice a happy birthday message from me- his supply.

I am empathatic, that's my problem (and also a good trait - but it gets abused by sociopaths).  

Well, I've blocked him for good now. No more. 

I am strong because I stood up for myself at the end of my relationship with Mark. 
No one could hear me dying on the inside, so I had to be my own hero.
I broke it off. I am my own hero.

That whole experience (of trauma and unmet emotional needs about 7-8 years) made me very guarded, trying to protect my shame, protective of what was left of the good in me. 

You made me feel alive on the inside - when they have felt dead for so long. 
I looked back at my late June post - I was not looking for anything specific, Zee. 
But just those damn feelings you gave me. 

Just from you and me chatting about random things, about a make-believe future.  

I liked the idea of you. 
You liked the idea of me.
We liked the things we chatted about.
Maybe we just liked the idea of us. 

Timing is everything. So even before you, I had already wanted a fresh start with someone because I've been emotionally starved for a long, long time by my ex who was supposed to love me - but he didn't give me anything back emotionally. 

But you called it, I still had work to do before I can start afresh with someone. 

I couldn't see you when you were there because I had been so blinded by my past.... (Wished I had seen you earlier) and recognize those things you did. 
I was really blind on the effects of what the past had on me and your words of truth, struck me hard. It was exactly what I needed. 

Some unhappy stuffs might have triggered me, and I lost it (let's just be reminded also that night massive amounts of alcohol CAN and will cause a bad situation).
I should have stopped myself from drinking so much. 

I never intended to put you through that explosive horror show that night.

 
But after scaring you, myself, also poor Ash and Kyuubi that night, I realised how deeply my past hurts and scars had cast its shadows upon on me and either I go through a deep transformation with an exorcism of the past happening immediately/soon or I probably am going to go through my entire life in the shadows of this. 
Thank you for sharing your own personal experience.

I projected bad stuff on an innocent party - you. And that was the last thing I wanted. 
Things could have gone down differently if we handled it better, but yes, I blew up and now we are sitting in the aftermath of that explosion. 

Expectations and a lack of communication can ruin a lot of good things.

We were only chatting for abit but these following things, were what I needed at the time... Timing they say, is very important. 
You did quite a few things that made me feel sure at first - deletion of the Tinder/Bumble app, the unlocked phone and showing me messages, telling me about your calls with sister, calling your mum with me on your phone. :)  

You were romantic saying... "I'd totally fly halfway across Asia just to have dinner with you for a few hours and then fly back if I had a meeting like in the am".

You were going to show me Capetown and all that it had to offer. (Totally agree that Capetown IS beautiful by the way)

You said you would always make time for me.

You said you would go to the ends of the world for someone.

Truth be told, from all bad dating experiences - guys don't pull through what they say. 
So I am not naive.
I had been laying off online apps for a couple months now and only just started again before you happened. 
You and #NoTakeBacksies

In my days of being a crew, I envisioned that love would be able to endure long distances and flights and comings and goings. 
So what you said - resonated deeply with me. 
If you really wanted to be with and see someone, nothing can hold you back from that person. 
I want to go on fun and great travels adventures with my love. 

Cairo, Athens, Rome, Myanmar, Hawaii, Peru. 

Anywhere in the world. 

It would always feel like home with the right person anyway. 

We were off to a great magical start... 

It was an amazing first date, 
random Mexican food, you led me in dance on the streets of Clarke Quay, 
I made you walk through a running water fountain with me, we made out in a karaoke booth.

You gave me butterflies, a warm heart, feels and honestly, I am still riding on that high.

I was ready to jump in. 
You sounded like you were ready to jump in too. 
At least when we were open and sharing and texting and communicative when you were in SG for work. We communicated. 

All I am just saying that it probably was the timing and everything else that happened after that... It was just bad timing. 
You were at a busy conference, work commitments, hospital, meetings, HK, sickness, CGK - I was infatuated, busy, worried, skeptical and concerned.
Not everything in a perfect order.  

I am honestly just grateful to the universe for the opportunity for me to feel alive again. 

Yet, there was me being silly as well, with all those projections of past hurt and shadows cast on you when you didn't do those things - you had offered me your heart/feelings, time and presence.

I was caught up in a bad moment and still feel bad for it... I hope you forgive me for all that. 

You said I should trust people 100% in a relationship. 

Well, I do trust people easily.

I trusted the things you said and communicated to me.  

Let me share with you my bad experiences with trusting a person immediately - that I had paid for some folks' air-tickets and they said they would return me the money but they never did. This happened twice in my life now.

So yes, there are reasons for some degrees of mistrust with people you meet online. 

I would definitely spend more time with a person.... before lending them money for a flight EVER AGAIN. Or just generally. 

Anyway, I digress. 

It was good, warm fuzzy feelings I had for you - with low expectations on the outcome, just wanted more communication so I could get to really know you better.  

Your cute smile and wink would allow you to get away with murder. :)

Are you feeling way better now after the accident and your flu, Zee?

I really hope you are. 
Hope work and rugby and life has been good to you. 

You are so full of life. 

You know what the funny thing is? 

That in some ways, I feel a kind of connection with you, similar on some level and I had good vibes from the start. 

Whenever I feel strongly about something, I would take action and do something about it. 
I would like to think that not everyone would have the same chemistry as we did, that first time we met.
We were there at the Mexican restaurant that day, perfectly normal to other people, but the room was spinning to me. I was giddy. 

I trust and believe you.
That's why I went to Jakarta alone to visit you, to be there for you from your accident, I would like to care for you. 

You said you were very easy to talk to, always there when you are needed.
You said you would be the best boyfriend but also am brutally honest.
I am guessing you have your doubts about me so you decided to friendzone me as well. 
I am thankful for your brutal honesty for calling out on my unhealthy habits.
You didn't set out to save anyone but you have, you saved me.
From the shadows and from myself. 

I had been through months of healing, but this bolt of truth, made me sit up and reflect.  
I told you before I don't live a fast life anymore, guess it's not true. 
I always moved on from things too quickly. 
Not reflecting or sitting in the silence and discomfort to sort it out.
Not dealing with the emotions, just running. 
I do better now -I sit with my thoughts and emotions and work it out.  
Thank you for sharing your experience and boy, have I learnt from this.  

I had a lot to drink. Too much.
I did not travel to CGK to be friendzoned, I had wanted to spend time with you, cuddle somemore, find stuff to do together with you and get to know each other more in the process - or just sit and talk. 
But there we were, friendzoning each other :(
All I can recall from that rambunctious night is a blur.
I was blind of the unhealthy projections onto someone new (I see it now and am trying to curb its effects) and I was also not able to process being friendzoned at that very moment or even the next morning as I was grappling with the aftermath of my storm.  

But yes, because of my projections and some form of holding back, I was probably being weird and you... were just watching out for all the signs too. 
You were really quiet that weekend. Maybe you were pulling back. 
I didn't know you were only there as an observer, because I asked you and you said you would want me there with you in Jak Town. 
I am a trauma victim but I will definitely step out of the shadows now.

You are ambitious, charming, wicked smile, cute hairy face, and have a lovely walk-in wardrobe. Very likeable. 
(Side note: Me being attracted to you and wanting to be around you... was part of the reason why I was in Jak Town.)

Remember after our first date, you told me that I was exactly as you imagined. 
I didn't get a chance to ask you what was it that you have imagined...
I probably am still that initial person you thought I was - just that I have scars and a haunted past that I didn't even know was still affecting me. 
I am not perfect -I might be a lot to handle but I go 150% at real love with trust and honesty.
I go all in or nothing at all. 

I am not able to understand why people can make the other party catch feelings, make them believe and trust and not reciprocate after that. 
Butterflies don't come easy.
I am not able to reverse my feelings immediately. 

I wasn't threatening you with anything. 
I only called you a psychopath because... You made me catch feelings for you in Singapore and didn't want anything to do with me when I end up in CGK to be with you.  
You were the one threatening me with uploading videos of me and all that. 
I just wanted some comfort and to talk - for you to open the door.

But I guess you are done talking. 

My kak storm happened. I am really sorry you had to witness that. 

It was where it was, and it wasn't the right time. 

I see the light! 
I am being transformed and I feel lighter.  

I am doing the work to get over my past hurts and shadows.
I take my time to reflect my day. 

I am doing this to be a better version of myself.  

I want to make this ok with you. 
My past had nothing to do with you. 

Take a leap of faith with me, as friends. 

That's all I ask.
Your forgiveness and kindness and friendship. 
*If you need to get even for shoving you, you may shove me back. 

I do love fun. I miss fun. I hate shadows, I hate grey areas. 

I had a lot of baggage at the time we first met. 
But we all have a past. 
I am tearing off these baggage off as fast as I possibly can because I realised the years and weight this baggage has had on me, how it affects my relationships with others. 
I will continue to make better choices in everything from here on out. 

Thank you for calling it. 

You probably didn't give it any thought... but I do wonder that if you had come over to SIN in that second week after your conference... and I visited you in CGK the following week, things just might have turned out differently...
Also in my daydream, at least one of our travel destinations together would definitely be Japan.

We would go there in Spring (anytime really), feed some deers at Nara Park, eat macha ice-cream, go to the onsen hotspring, have a blast, and check out new sneakers at Harajuku. 

I won’t ask for much, just your company and to sit and listen to your thoughts and plans.

I want to hear about everything happening in your day. 

Know how business was going, what's new on the startup scene, in the regional business, your thoughts on it......And now the funny (and slightly sad) part, we never got round to that.  

A relationship is just that between two people, always be kind, compassionate and loving to each other.
I wish we had taken more time.
I wish we had more time. 
You and me.

Even the best fall down sometimes. 
In the pain, there is healing.
I see another way out of the dark now. 

I have found a steady pace, a balance for myself now.
If the time could turn us around, what once was lost may be found.
You have no idea how much the experience means to me but thank you for everything, Zee. 

Thank you for letting me inside your life.
I wish we had more time. 
I mean, if you can kiss the rugby guy who punched you. 
Maybe... just maybe you can forgive me for my trespasses because I had too much to drink.
And alot of emotions to process. 
Be that nice person. 
Thank you for sprinkling magic. 

Disclaimer:  I am not being delusional, I am only being a normal person who felt something.
Heck - even if you take this and make a joke of it, at least I tried to reach out. 
I know some stuff have gone down over the past weeks, and I know where we are at... but maybe you could forgive me and communicate.   

Too good at goodbyes.

I will tell you now... more, I wanted to hear about everything happening in your day. 

I wanted to hear your voice, I wanted to know how business was going. 

What's new on the startup scene, in the regional business, your thoughts on it. 

But we never got to that- sorry. 

You did give me solid butterflies and that feeling of being alive - I haven't felt like that in a long time - Thank you for that. 

It wasn't about getting the next high. It was you sharing about your day - a normal thing. 

I want in on it. 

I liked it when you texted me and kept me updated on your day. 

I looked forward to our meetings. 

I don't mind travelling just to spend time with you. 3 hours, 7 hours, whatevs.

From the start, you wanted to see some signs of emotions from me.  

Some assurances. Any sharing of emotions...whether i enjoyed talking to you, if you were making me happy. But I didn't let anything show through.  

You see... it's hard for me to share what I want. 

You have standards for your queen.

Just as I have standards for my king - to say things and show up and to make shared plans. 

Both parties should meet in the middle, just as both have standards.  

We are not going to settle.

I have been so perfectly trained to not show my emotional side through the years...
Why should I show to anyone my vulnerabilities?

The last guy who said he loved me, didn't give in to ANY of my emotional needs or wants.

He got defensive, offended that I would even ask. 

Me asking what the relationship was. 

Me asking why I couldn't upload any photos of us through the years. 

I always wondered why I had to live in the shadows, when all I wanted was to live in the light. 

I love the sun, the beach, the ocean. 

I just want to be given what should be easy to give when you love someone. 

Some reassurance, some time, some effort. 

I know I give my all in love - loyalty, trust and love. 150%. 

I want for my love to be returned. 

My relationships tend to be long and committed. 

I wasn't ready to share my full emotions and feelings with you.

Not ready to tell you it was enough, I was happy as it is.
Because I am not sure about that myself... 
For too long, I asked myself if my relationship with Mark, is it real? Is it here to stay or only for a short while? 

There are too many ghosts and gaslighting in modern dating and it irritates me.

Every time someone gets close, I believe, I trust, I wear my heart out on my sleeve and I get hurt. 

Modern dating is hard, everyone just moves on to the next one. And the next and the next. 

I haven't given much thought about what this does to me too. 

I told you I didn't live a fast life anymore, but apparently I still did. 

The nature of my work as well - projects after projects, with hardly any time to breathe in between. We move on, regardless if it's good or bad. 

Next client, next project on limited time. 

In this city - everything is fast-paced, and fast-living people. 

Treating people like things. 

I stifle my feelings and move on.
And it has repercussions.

I am so thankful you have showed me that maybe it doesn't have to be this way. 

It's good to feel and to communicate, to break free of the chains that had held us down.

I mean, I have been on my journey since 2016/2017 but you have played a key role since you were the first to call my shit out for not fixing problems. 

For running away. For being avoidant. For not seeing things as they are and being in denial. 

I know I am strong because I stood up for myself in the end of my relationship with my ex. No one could hear me dying on the inside.

My drunk meltdown. I am really sorry you had to witness that. 

it was where it was, but it wasn't the right time. 

I scared even myself so I am really gonna change things.
I hurt you and you are the last person I want to hurt.

I am doing the work to get over my past hurts and unhappiness.

I want to make this ok with you. It had nothing to do with you. 

I am just thankful to the universe for this opportunity for me to feel alive again. 

Thank you for everything.